How to have a great relationship
How to have great relationships by Reg Connolly of Pegasus NLP Training
(From Active Mind-Body Health - Issue 2 - 1 February 2000)
One of the keys to a successful and happy life is the ability to have great
relationships - at home, at work, and in your social life.
The following suggestions are based on the skills and attitudes of Great
Relaters - people who develop and maintain wonderful relationships. By using NLP
to model, or identify the characteristics of, Great Relaters we discover an
extensive list. Attractive as the prospect might be there is no '3-steps to
success' formula. It is a more complex, but learnable process.
The following is a fairly random first selection. It is a starter to get you up
and running. We will return to the topic in future issues.
Be a good listener
And show a sincere interest in what's happening in the other person's life.
Remember that we have one mouth but two ears - use this as a reminder of how
much talking to engage in versus how much listening.
Put yourself in the other person's shoes
As a good listener Momentarily step into the other person's world (without
being sucked into their negative states). Being in the other person's world
requires that you listen with openness. In other words, while you are listening
you do that and only that - you listen. This may take a bit of practice since
most people tend to partially listen, while internally preparing or rehearsing
what they are going to say next.
Empathy rather than sympathy
Empathy means understanding and having a feel for their difficulty without
trying to get involved unless asked. Sympathy, feeling sorry for them, is
disrespectful and indicates that you believe that they, on their own, do not
have the resources to handle their own difficulty.
Look for the other person's good points
There will be plenty of these and you have a choice in whether you pay more
attention to their good points or their imperfections. The more you discover a
person's good points and focus on these the more your respect for them
increases.
Keep in touch
Even if you last were together a few hours earlier, at breakfast perhaps, how
about a one-minute phone call to ask how their day is going or to tell them you
are thinking of them?
Or a one-line email or text-message? Keep in touch with those far away, too.
Long-distance relationships can endure for decades if nourished. The occasional
letter, card, phone call or email will nourish and maintain the relationship.
What is their point of view?
Be able to see the world from their viewpoint. This is probably the single
most important relating skill in life partnerships, friendships, and business.
If you were in their shoes, with their feelings, beliefs, values, background,
etc., how would the situation look to you? What would be your needs or
expectations or concerns?
Respect their views
Recognise that we see things differently. That we all have a different world
view. This view or model of reality is based on our experience of life up to
now. No one world view is 'right' or 'wrong' - it is a matter of opinion and,
just as your views change from time to time, so will theirs. By taking the time
to get to know their ever-changing world view you just might learn things which
would enrich or widen your own.
Accept imperfections
Recognise and tolerate a person's weaknesses and imperfections. After all me
'weaknesses' will be subjective evaluations based on your world view.
And remember that perfect people do not exist - most of us are doing the best we
can from moment to moment, working to reduce the number and magnitude of our
imperfections - it's a life-long project.
Right? Or HAPPY?
Have you ever noticed, especially in family relationships, how easy it is to
get into the You're-Wrong-I'm-Right thing? Ever notice how silly it is -
afterwards, when you've hurt one another and are making up again? How about
deciding together that you won't do it in the first place! Decide between you
and your partner/friend that it is more important to be HAPPY than RIGHT. Decide
that you will each keep a sense of perspective and aim to avoid stupid arguments
over 'important issues' such as why the other person did not put the milk back
in the fridge last night, forgot to buy one of the items on the list when they
went shopping, etc. That you will each give the other permission to be human and
to, from time to time, forget the 'house rules' and make mistakes without having
to afterwards suffer.
Remember that life is finite
If you suddenly discovered that you had three months to live would you waste
as much time on arguments and sulks with friends and family? How many additional
compliments and 'I love you' gestures would you make? How much more time would
you spend with loved ones? The reason we often procrastinate on these things is
that we assume that life will go on forever and that we'll get around to them
one day. We may - and it may be too late when we do. I have encountered so many
parents who missed out on their children's growing up because they were too busy
attending to careers, housework, etc. Then, when they did make the time to spend
with their children, the children weren't interested - they'd learned to get by
without the attention and were getting on with their lives - without the parent.
Stop trying to change people
This is an especially common failing in life partnerships. Remember you did
not choose the person because of their potential to be the person you wanted
them to become. You got together because you loved one another and in the first
flush of love you focused only on the things you liked about them. So how is it
that when we start living together or marry that we switch and begin to crowd
out the lists of 'good points' by increasingly becoming obsessed with listing,
and reminding them of, the things that we do not like about them? Try it out for
yourself - how do you feel when someone lists and compliments you on your good
points? How do you feel towards a person who lists and criticises you for your
failings? Which of these do YOU do with those closest to you? Take a moment
right now to consider how this must make them feel - about themselves and about
you.
Value the differences
Value the differences in how you and the other person thinks - and seek to
learn from the other person. This is similar to the previous item.
Often it's the our differences that make for the stimulation and the learning
opportunities in friendships and relationships. When we first meet it is often
the similarities between us that enables us to bond and create rapport. As we
get to know the other person better we begin to recognise the deeper
differences. Potentially these produce the strength of the relationship - as Ken
Blanchard stated 'none of us is as good as all of us' - as a team our combined
strengths and weaknesses make the partnership much stronger that total of our
individual strengths.
Don't expect them to be clairvoyant!
Take responsibility for the effects of your communication. Good intentions are
not enough! It is not enough to MEAN well when communicating - people can only
respond to what and how you communicate. They cannot read your mind and know
what you meant! You must communicate with responsibility for the response you
get from the other person! And if the other person is not responding as you had
expected you need to change how you communicate with them, otherwise it is
simply ineffectual communication!
Inter-personal communication can be a bit like a mine-field at first. If you
blindly rush in, with the good intention of getting a particular result, you'll
likely step on a few mines. But there's no point in blaming the mines. What is
important is to figure out the most effective way of getting across or, in human
relationships, getting your message across to the individual with whom you are
communicating. Not only has you message got to be tailored to suit the other
person's thinking style it also has to be tailored to suit their mood at that
particular moment.
Value what you have
Value what you have in the relationship or friendship. You do not (I hope)
form a friendship or life relationship based on the condition that, while the
person is a bit flawed right now, you'll soon knock them into shape! You accept
the person as a 'package deal'. Yet, as we get to know the other person better,
many of us have a tendency to want to change others into our view of their
potential - and we then proceed on a relentless campaign to change them! This,
of course, results in arguments, resentment, and hurt feelings. Yet even if we
could change them we'd likely loose respect for them for allowing us to have
done it and for not having the personal strength to be themselves!
Take the long-term view!
Especially in difficult moments in your personal relationships. Many of us
have had the experience of being in a loving relationship and suddenly one of
those interpersonal land-mines explodes and, often from a quite trivial
beginning, a row develops and escalates. Recognise that this happens even in the
best of relationships and it's time to silently ask yourself the RIGHT OR HAPPY?
question. So back off, avoid hurling abuse or making hurtful comments, give in
on trivia, and recognise that the other person is human, just like you, and
subject to bouts of irrationality, just like you. (Well you are, aren't you? Or
are you one of those sad people who have to believe that they are right all of
the time?)
Recognise their specialty
Be aware that everyone you meet is your superior in some way and seek to
learn from them. Everyone has a story to tell, a skill to share, an insight to
enrich the world with. And you will only learn about these when you make the
space and take the time to do so. And when you have refined your ability to
listen - really listen. But we cannot do this if we are sniping at one another,
trying to change one another, or are bogged down in the day to day trivia and
have lost sight of the big picture and the long term view.
How 'great relaters' treat - and think about - themselves
It's OK not to be perfect.
Own, and allow others to see, your own weaknesses, vulnerabilities and
imperfections - after all they are what make us 'human'. Have you ever noticed,
with someone you are very fond of, that it is their weakness that make them so
endearing to us. Without these imperfections they would be too-good-to-be-true!
So give yourself the freedom to be a person - and give up that quest to be the
perfect Wife, Husband, Father, Mother, Friend - just be an imperfect and quite
flawed Person with a sense of humour about your imperfections.
Value your own time, individuality and needs.
Avoid the Martyr Syndrome ("After all I've done for you/them/etc. this is the
thanks I get, etc.") Make space for yourself, your interests, your personal
development and your peace of mind.
This is not easy if you have a family, a job and a lot of things to fit in. The
alternative is to put your needs aside for now - until we start the family,
until the children have started school, until the children have left school,
until the children have started their families, until we've got the finances
straightened out, redecorated the house, moved house, retired…. Oops, it's too
late…
See your life as a continuous process of learning.
If there is always something to learn, new ways of doing things, and
additional refinements to be made in your views, you are less likely to be
autocratic and dogmatic and will avoid the tendency to impose your views and
your will on others. You will also maintain a flexile and open attitude to life
and to people. And be easier to live with.
Avoid taking yourself too seriously
And allow others the freedom to not take you too seriously, either. Have a
healthy sense of humour which is frequently directed against/towards yourself.
You know that you are not perfect so why get twitchy when others recognise this
and highlight your imperfections humorously. When you get things wrong learn
from your mistakes and then look at the funny side of it. When you find yourself
in a heated argument over important things like which TV programme to watch,
what meal to have this evening, etc. see the funny side of taking such trivia so
seriously.
Maintain your vitality.
More than anything else, except ill health, tiredness will undermine your
good intentions, your sense of perspective and your sense of humour.
Putting things into practice (1)
Where do you begin? There are too many items on the above list to attempt to
put them all into practice at the same time. Attempting to do that will result
in your succeeding with none of them.
So pick one or two that you find relevant and use these for two or three weeks.
( I don't know why this should be but, in working with people, I have found that
a behavioural or attitudinal change is more likely to last if it has been
practised for about 3 weeks. )
Putting things into practice (2)
How about printing out this article and going through it with a loved one.
Decide between you which item is most relevant to your relationship right now
and work on it, as a team, for a few weeks.
Copyright Reg Connolly 2000. -Reg Connolly is a long-time NLPer and runs
classes in Bournemouth, South England .. his website is Pegasus Training
This first appeared in Issue 2 (1 February 2000) of Active Mind-Body
Health - Pegasus Empowerment's free newsletter.
