I thought it was more than sex

I receive many mails in my daily post-box and sometimes one really stands out as an example of how it is for many people. This letter from Susan is so typical of what many women generate when they start to fantasise about the potential of a new man. What follows is Susan's letter and my reply to her. It may open some new ideas for you.

Susan's letter

Something is really bothering me and is blocking me from moving on Almost a year a ago I discovered your website and read a lot of the flirting tips on it. At that moment I wasn't ready for it, but as the year went on, I got more confident about my self and more relaxed with men. I had a few sessions with a therapist and some good experiences with men. I had a flirt with a very nice Greek guy on holiday in Greece. I was ready to flirt and meet new people.

A few weeks ago I met him again. And instantly I had a good feeling about him, I don't know why, it was just there. He said he had a good feeling about me too. I didn't fully trust that, because the man over there are very focused on sex. We talked a lot, and finally we spend two nights together. We didn't have sex, because I said very clearly I didn't want that.

We had a very intense goodbye, but very clear that that was it.

When I was home I called him after a few days. I had so many questions, and really felt so special about him. The second time we spoke on the phone he suddenly said something like: it was just for the sex you know. And now I feel so betrayed, rejected and abused! He obviously lied to me and I feel stupid for finally believing him. But I also think he meant it in his way.

I don't feel respected now and the only thing I want is to see him and get back at him. All this is making me sad. I feel a lack of confidence which I think is blocking me from feeling good about other men. What can I do to let go of these feelings? I don't dare to tell other people because I feel so ashamed and stupid.

Susan

Peta's reply

Susan's actions are quite common in women. We move too fast spurred on by small signs which we embellish to fit our desires.

Primitive mating programmes

At a primitive level, men and women are programmed by certain drivers that have been part of the human make up and also part of the animal world make-up from the beginning.

As creatures we are driven by our DNA. We are programmed to reproduce which means we are programmed to have sex. As we have developed our brains further, we no longer do sex just to reproduce, but we haven't lost the original programme.

Female's original programme is to seek a male to seed her and to stay around and protect her and the offspring. In a world before technology and the industrial revolution, women were nurturers and carers for offspring. It is natural women should be on the lookout for a man who can be a sexual partner.

Male's original programme is to spread his seed in as many suitable females as possible to continue the line. In a world where resources are in short supply and males fight to ensure supremacy of their line...this was necessary. It is natural men should be on the lookout for solely sexual partners.

We all carry vestiges of these original programmes and they influence us, despite our modern beliefs.

<< One of them was a flirt with a very nice Greek guy...
A few weeks ago I met him again. And instantly I had this good feeling about him, I don't know why, it was just there...... I didn't fully trust that, because the man over there are very focused on sex.>>

Feelings and intuition - love or lust?

The instant good feelings you got about him are probably a chemical reaction. Some call it lust, some call it instant attraction. It is a result of the emission of certain hormone produced chemicals into the air by our body. We unconsciously sense 'matching' vibes from certain people. Some of it has to do, I believe, with a physical template. I know, for example, that I am attracted to a certain type of man.. it has to do with the way they look and the energy they give off. All these factors set off a signal in you. You were attracted. That's all there can be at this stage.

Women are very attracted to confidence as well as looks. If a man exudes this, it is because he has what I call his sexual meter turned up. It is very attractive. This is why women often fall for the bad guys. Most 'bad guys' are full on tuned into their sexuality and they don't worry about failure.. they just go for it. This is confident behaviour. Lot's of nice guys are confident too and we can learn to be wary at first, without withdrawing.

You said yourself that you didn't fully trust the feeling. Your intuition was telling you what I've just said. It's not enough. It's great to direct us to people who chemically and maybe physically match us, but it's not enough to know they are the one! Be more mindful of your intuition, it is more often than not right!

<<We talked a lot, and finally we spend two nights together. We didn't have sex, because I said very clearly I didn't want that >>

Taking it slowly

Men can talk too! I've met a few men who love to talk about life, spirituality etc. Women find that very attractive in a man. It's not enough to fall in love though.

Someone said to me the other day 'you can't love someone until you know them'. I think this is very true. Know them, to me, means spending enough time with them to see all facets of their character, under stress as well as in 'ideal' dating circumstances. In their own territory, in your territory, with your family and theirs. Knowing someone is knowing their lifestyle and whether it fits with yours and realising you can adapt without losing yourself.

Clearly, you didn't have enough time to really know this man. I suspect though that for the above two reasons, you may well have experienced a strong attraction to him. And the primitive driver was in place, the more you talked the more he became a possible mate for longer. The feelings were intense, as you say. They often are. They alone are not enough to form a solid lasting relationship. They are the beginning signs that say, I like this man.

You then have to spend time finding out as I said. Let's think logically about this. You were on holiday, ideal circumstances. As you say 'men over there are focused on sex'.

They are! AND men who live in those places are inundated with good looking single women looking for romance, love etc. The clever ones know that if they can play the game, they can lure women into bed. They are primed to act romantic, it's a way of life in France, Italy, Greece and all the 'warm' countries.

<<We had a very intense goodbye, but very clear that that was it.>>

Future fantasy

You say it yourself, it was clear that was it.. goodbye. And yet you called him. You held hope despite the clear message from him. Goodbye.

Most women have this amazing behaviour pattern.. They meet a man, feel attracted, get some vibe that he is able to talk, shows emotions etc.. and then they rush off into the future to plan a life with this man..where they have a family or whatever and live happily ever after. They create an idealised fantasy and it becomes very real!!!...I bet most women will agree that they have at one time or another done this with a new man. I have! It doesn't work!

<<When I was home I called him after a few days. I had so many questions, and really felt so special about him. The second time we spoke on the phone he suddenly said something like "It was just for the sex you know">>

Perhaps he is being honest. Perhaps he is trying to hurt you. What do you think. AND what does it matter. The only thing you can do now is to learn, learn, learn.

Your path, your choice

We are all placed on a path, and we make choices. Some we think are not so good. Not true. I believe every choice we make is our attempt to find ourselves. We unconsciously choose a path and the encounters on that path. If you can see each experience as something you have learned, it really helps. If, instead of feeling bad, you choose to ask yourself.

Can I change this? Am I still alive and healthy? If you can't change anything [and who can change the past], if you are still OK, then ask yourself, what did I learn from this. I think you could say you learned not to get ahead of yourself and create expectations that aren't possibly the same as the person you are creating the expectations about.

Rejection is a word. You can't actually touch it or hold it! If you feel rejected, it is an extension of how you choose to feel about this. Think of this scenario.

Learning the lesson

This guy was probably attracted to you. He didn't force sex on you because you say you stayed together for two nights without sex. At least he didn't disappear after the first night. But remember, Susan, he is a man. He is programmed for sex. And even if the sex is great, he's going to need more time before he can even think about falling in love.

You can just realize that he is was an experience and you will be able to handle the next situation differently. What will help you is when you can be aware of and re-member fully what is great about you.. because like that, anything is possible. You just met a man who isn't right for you. Great, you don't want to be with a man who doesn't want you, do you?

<<And now I feel so betrayed, rejected and abused! He obviously lied to me and I feel stupid for finally believing him. But I also think he meant it in his way.>>

So you feel abused. This is your choice of feeling. I read a story in the paper about an American woman. One day she was shot as she pulled up at the traffic lights. She was blinded. She passed out and woke up to hear a man standing over her saying 'You've been shot, I'm going to get you to a hospital'. She passed out again and woke up to find herself being repeatedly raped by this man. He was the man who shot her.

As a result of this encounter the woman was permanently blinded. She could have chosen the route of self pity and anger and wanting to 'get this man'. Instead she said that each time she thought badly of this man, she was devoting energy to him, giving him space in her mind, giving him control over her. She had already been controlled by him once, in a horrible way, and she wasn't going to let him get her again.

She decided to let go and forgive him. She put him out of her life and started to speak about her experience in a very collected and calm way. She now tours the lecture circuits talking about forgiveness and her experience and how it allowed her to move on.

Read what you write here. 'But also I think he meant it in his way'. Yes, perhaps at that time, what he said was what he felt. He too may have been carried away by a strong desire for you. His desires are more likely to be translated into sexual terms whereas you are turning your desires into possibilities for relationship... man doing man, woman doing woman. It happens. Just learn to be OK and move on. AND if it's help you need with that, you may benefit from attending one of my flirting weekends.

<<I don't feel respected now and the only thing I want is to see him and throw it his face........ What can I do to let go of these feelings?>>

Great! You realise that holding these bad feelings are actually a waste of your energy or not good for you and you want to let go. You have made progress. Remember the woman who got raped. You didn't get raped. You can let go. As long as you are giving time to feeling bad and creating all kinds of horrible chemicals in your body you are doing yourself no good.

Think more often of how you are at your best.

• What is great about you?
• What are your best qualities?
• What are your greatest achievements?
• What do your friends like about you?

AND never be ashamed of anything said or shown about you..even if it isn't true. Stand on who you are and be proud. Stop worrying about what people will think.

A friend of mine is a journalist who interviews celebrities. She isn't digging dirt which she can expose later. She gets them to open up and she cares about people. As a result celebrities often allow her to write about their personal experiences of failed relationships, handling grief, failure, depression, abuse etc. By being open about themselves instead of hiding a 'dreadful secret' they allow it out in their way and they help other people rather than pretending to be perfect and incurring the resentment of others.

When you learn to feel good about your experience as a lesson in life, you can be open with your close friends and the true ones will respect you for your honesty and ability to sail through things.

All that you have experienced has brought you to here and now today. And what are you doing today is learning more about yourself as you travel your path.

You can let go, there are ways. That's what we teach people on the flirting weekends.. to let go and open out to who you really are and let go some more. When you free yourself from the constraints of other people's opinions about you, you are able to become who you are fully and completely.

Work like you don't need the money
Sing like no one can hear
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.

Copyright © 2000-2001 Peta Heskell